This blog has been dead for a while. I've let it sit here, taking up space on the internets. It wasn't anything all that special. It has served its purpose of being a platform for me to shout my agony into the world. Not that many people seemed to give much of a fuck.
That's alright, though.
I don't seem to give too much of a fuck, either.
I'm working on giving a fuck, though. Giving a fuck is what can keep you going. Giving a fuck is what keeps a person from doing stupid shit consciously or subconsciously. I really, really, want to give a fuck. I have a few good reasons to give a fuck, and those reasons are the only reason I am still around.
Wow. That sounds emo as hell.
Seriously, though, things have been swinging all over the place and it has been hard to wrap my head around various events that have unfolded.
First, I was diagnosed as having Multiple Sclerosis. I manage to nearly get my head wrapped around that just as I manage to get into see the MS doctor, which brings me to the second thing: He says that I don't have MS. He thinks that it is some sort of Rheumatological problem. He orders a bunch of blood drawn, ten vials worth, and orders me to go see this Rheumatologist in town. Getting that appointment was a nightmare, and I had to wait over three months for that appointment which is now about two weeks away. Third: I go back, and he thinks it might be something called neurosarcoidosis (because of some tests that came back + symptoms) or possibly Rheumatoid Arthritis, but to be sure, we should get another test done to see where to get a biopsy. My insurance agrees to it, but this secondary approval company called Med Solutions denies it due to lack of biopsy.
Go ahead. Read the previous sentences again. I'll wait.
Anyway, I get to arguing with Med Solutions, my insurance, the doctors offices, and whoever I have to to get this test done. It still hasn't been done. The patient's voice counts for dick all in this process. That really makes me feel great. I am just the slab of meat that these fuckers shuffle around.
Now, during all this other shit? I finally decided to get some mental health help because of, well, various reasons that I may or may not get into at a later date. June I got a counselor. August I got a psychiatrist. The psych meds he put me on, though, fucked my liver numbers up, which were coming down from the treatment that got me out of the fatigue fugue flare up that I had in March. My other doctors made him take me off of at least one of the meds (the one regulating the bi-polar, which was working, by the way). The liver numbers evened out, but I was sent to a GI doc to help watch the offended organ. He ordered a bioposy of the liver, which we tried to get med solutions to take as the biopsy to get the Test mentioned above approved with. Well, that didn't end up working because my biopsy came back with just signs of NASH ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-alcoholic_steatohepatitis ) and not anything that would get that Test approved.
My GI was pleased because it wasn't even as bad as he had thought it was going to be. While I knew I should have been at least pleased that it wasn't worse, I was frustrated as hell about the Test being denied again.
Being in diagnosis limbo again (because I am not actually diagnosed with neurosarcoidosis or Rheumatoid Arthritis) is hell for me. I like to know what is going on so I know what to expect. I want to be on the right medication, assuming I can take any of the medications that I need to be taking. It's a frustrating place to be. I feel helpless and it has made me spiral more than once. Because of the liver bullshit, I haven't been able to be medicated properly for my mental and emotional instability, so that has been a fun rollercoaster ride all on its own.
I'm falling apart, and I cling to the reasons I have to give a shit. All this other shit makes clinging very hard, some days, though. Those reasons? My husbands. They hold me. They keep me sane(ish) and when I lose it some days, they are there to help me pick up the pieces again. So, yes, I cling to them and do my best to give a shit day to day because otherwise, I'll shatter and what'll be left will be something and someone no one wants to be around, including me.
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