Squatting Transparent in On Display ((adult themes))

So, I woke up the other night with the urge to draw on my new tablet. I had already done a few other pieces, and wanted to try a few different things, experimenting with the GIMP program. I wanted to figure out what some of these tools I had seen were.

Some notes:

*The various spots in the background are supposed to be lights and flashes. I had picked this one golden orange and played with some of the tools burnout to various filters for the color. I like how it layered on one another.

*I initially sketched the squatting woman. I thickened the lines and am unsure how I feel about it, but will leave it for this piece for the time being. I was unsure how to fill her in without losing all the line information. It was really late at night and I had percocet running through my system...

*Yes. She is naked, and no, I don't know whether or not she has hair.

*Yes, she is see-through. I kind of like that effect and what it says. It does say something about her being vulnerable to what is going on around her as well. Now, if I found a way to fill her in, but you still saw the lights shining through so that you were still seeing those "camera's and their lights"shining right through her, then it would have the same effect but be more polished.

*I am actually happy with how the table cloth came out.

New Toys

I recently acquired a VisTablet, which is an off-brand graphics tablet/mouse alternative. The last few days, I have been playing with it, and the open source graphics software called GIMP, which is sort of like Paint on steroids/baby's first Photoshop. I will probably be posting some pictures with pieces and some pictures on their own soon, so things will get more visually snappy. It, of course, depends on which computer I am on. ;)

Overall, I have to say, that wasn't bad for my first time messing with the GIMP program and the VisTablet.

I have always liked to play around with colors and sketching, but I have always had a hard time when it came time for finishing a piece. It's easier with the computer because I am able to layer things (which I have only been playing with in the last day or so). The picture above had no layers at all, though.

To get me through the next little bit, I am going to need to utilize every little trick that I have. It's nice to know that I haven't forgotten how to do certain types of things, like drawing, and that I still have some sort of eye for these types of creative things. It was beginning to think that maybe I wasn't capable of doing this anymore.

I was never very good at this with physical media, and while I am just starting out with this in digital media, I am already seeing a vast improvement in what I am producing from this, my very first image, which wasn't horrible, surprisingly.

Until next time...

Future Thoughts

Future Thoughts

Written on 9-25-11

Some recent events in my life and the world in general have made me re-evaluate where I am and where I am going in life in general. I am still waiting for some specific information before, with the input and support of my family (weird as it is), I take some steps in the direction of personal growth and development. My health has taken a change for the worse and different. I don’t know if it will recover. One of the things being affected is my vision, and specifically my ability to maintain focus on fine details reliably for a long period of time.
This doesn’t affect my ability to type or write very much because of the lovely invention of spell check and, quite frankly, I type quite accurately most of the time. Most of the time, also, I am pretty good about editing my work before showing people. There have been times when I forget, but I digress. If this doesn’t heal up and becomes a permanent change, this will affect my ability to continue in my current line of work.
My boss is being very understanding and patient with me about this and understands that I am doing my best to ensure that I don’t put any of my work for him at risk in any way. I am pretty sure he appreciates that. I might be able to continue doing small things for him after this, if this change in my vision is permanent, but for all intents and purposes, my usefulness as a minion might be at an end if I don’t heal from this crap. This is a reality I have to face and plan for, and with the mounting medical bills (despite the health insurance) I am unsure of how  to do so.
The marketable skills that I have are minimal. I am unsure if I would be able to qualify for disability. If I can’t pay attention to fine details for long periods and continue having problems with longhand arithmetic, I will have severe trouble getting my mathematics back, which would make my aspirations of an engineering degree moot. I suppose I could pursue the writing more in depth. I seem to have had the block removed in this last week or two, though I am unsure of how long it will last.
Then again, with writing, if I just keep it as a habit, develop the writing habit like I developed my smoking habit, then maybe I will be able to actually do it. It will take more discipline than I usually am able to muster, though.
However, I want to maintain what passes for my sanity. It’s important to me. Psychotic breaks can lead to jail time which would make it so that I won’t have ready access to my sweethearts. Thus, maintaining sanity = sweethearts!
See, I can maths!

Keep Hold of the Message

Warnings All Around

Can you smell the fear of the people calling the shots?
They refuse to allow the major networks which they own to show
What is happening in cities all over the country
Still the populace gather and raise their voices up
Crying out their rage at those who would hold
Their boots hard to their necks while they rob them
Of not only their futures, but that of their children

Can you see the nervous sweat of the politicians?
These are the people who were bought and paid for
By those rich people who like to hand feed us our information
But they forgot that they haven’t quite locked down our
Ability to share information yet and if they tried to do so now
What is still a peaceful demonstration of our rage
Will transform faster than the blink of an eye

Can you feel the tension building in the air?
Those who still don’t know what is going on can feel it too
That’s why the markets are trendingdown in such a manner
The world is changing and what form it will take
Is up to each and every one of us; the nintey-nine percent
If we don’t make up our minds, then someone else will

What will fill the power vacuum when we topple the corporate oligarchy?
Because make no mistake, we will succeed
The people who have risen will not be intimidated back into obscurity
Our voices will be raised and we will be heard
If we do not figure out our ultimate goal
Then one evil will be replaced with another
And we might be stuck wishing for the Devil we once knew.



9-23-11
form: freeish

We should all remember to find our voice and raise it. Don't let the thugs that the corporate bastards are setting on the protesters (unfortunately the police at this time) change the message that the 99% are sending. Don't let them drive the movement. Don't let violence and hate take the message and distort it.


Stay strong.
Stay together
Protect each other
Spread the word.

Painservations

Some Painservations.

9-25-11

Why yes, I did just create a new word, though I wouldn’t be all that surprised to know that someone else already scooped up that new word. It’s a good new word, isn’t it?

Painservation #1:
When the pain is oscillating, it is more horrible than when it is steady. This particular painservation might just be heavily dependent upon the individual in pain, though. What I mean by this is that when the pain is throbbing, or moving back and forth between two points, it is harder to deal with.
Say that the pain is even just a piddly 1 (on my favorite scale http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/boyfriend-doesnt-have-ebola-probably.html) oscillating to a 3. I have a harder time dealing with this than even a flat 5 on the same scale. Again, this may be entirely dependent upon the individual. Of course, since the individual in question that is writing this is me, I will stick with *my* observations. Anyone else can feel free to comment on their own painservations in the comments section, or even in email. ;)

Painservation #2:
When the pain is steady, even when it is extremely horrible pain, it is less debilitating. I suppose this would depend on an individual’s ability to adapt, though. For me, this is the way it works most of the time. However, this moves me into...

Painservation #3:
When pain continues over a prolonged period of time, whether steady or oscillating, it will wear and tear on the psyche. The ability to maintain a positive outlook on life suffers because life becomes less and less bearable every day.

That’s it for this episode of Painservations!

Tasty Bob

Tasty Bob

9-25-11

Can you look at a body of water

And not wonder

How many bodies 

Have been dumped in their depths?

See the people fishing the waters?

Have the fish nibbled 

At the flesh of the dead?

Would eating of the flesh 

Of that man-eating fish

Constitute eating of the

Flesh of a man?

Could you be 

Prosecuted for it?

How would someone

Go about proving that?

I wonder what the 

Name of the dead person was.

I am sure that the clay shell

No longer really cares.

I shall call him Bob.

Was Bob tasty, Mr. Fish?

You were tasty, Mr. Fish.

I guess Bob was tasty too.

I wrote this while I was on some percocet. I am pretty sure it shows. While I was out of town, my new graphics tablet came in. Once I recover a bit, I may draw Bob and Mr. Fish. Let me know what you think of this poem! I welcome comments!

Impatient Sunshine

Impatient Sunshine

Orange sunshine

Searing brightly

Edging the curtains

Gilding the room

In bright shadows

Reaching with its

Golden fingers

Trying to stab

My eyes out

Fiery bastard 

Will get to me

Soon enough

Can’t it wait?

9-25-11

On the *bright* side, at least I can still stand sound. If I couldn't I would not have survived that trip to Reno. 

Cracking Facade

Cracking Facade

9-25-11

Wow, let me tell you that waking up in the morning to explosive head pain is not the best way to do things. Now, it’s exponentially worse when you’re in a dead sleep, in a different town, and you only went to bed a few hours before. Then, when the pain lingers long after and you have things to do that make it impossible for you to take a pain pill that would leave you loopy, well, you almost have the perfect recipe for one epic morning. The one thing that you’re missing is lack of internet connection. I mean, light sucks no matter what you’re going to do, so you might as well fuck around on the computer, right?
I have no internet connection and I am alone far from home. Well, that’s not entirely true. I could surf the net on my phone, but I don’t feel like squinting at the even tinier screen on my phone. I only brought the netbook with me, so it’s not like I was planning on doing a whole lot in the way of watching netflix or anything. The speakers aren’t really even good enough to listen to music with, but I don’t feel like being in silence, and I sure as hell don’t feel like wearing ear phones.
We are driving back home today, and I forsee me having to wear them for several hours in order to stay even marginally sane. Four adults packed into a Cadillac. There are worse cars to be packed into I suppose. The vehicle that we had last trip up north comes to mind, however I cannot do this being squished in the back seat thing again. With everything else going on in my life I don’t have enough spoons to deal with this too. In fact, I am operating on a negative daily spoon allotment and have been for quite some time.
I am not nearly as okay as I have been pretending to be.

Transgendered Woman Locked Up

Transgendered Woman Locked Up

9-25-11

Everyone has a right to protect themselves, I am sure that we would all agree to that. When CeCe, a transgendered woman, was attacked on the street while walking with some of her friends, she was pointed out as the one who stabbed one of her attackers and is now being charged with second degree murder. I link to the blog that I encountered this story at, because it’s an excellently written piece in its own right.

http://illusionofcompetence.blogspot.com/2011/09/free-cece.html?showComment=1316904671084#c920966581050719614

We should all support CeCe in her fight against bigotry and hate. Each and every one of us is a person and have the right to be treated as such by everyone else. The actions of the police and her community are reprehensible. We all need to work towards change, and for that we all need to wake up to the hate. It is all around us and we tolerate it in all its forms in our every day lives.

http://supportcece.wordpress.com/

Spread the word.

Even I am Prone to The Occasional Cliche

Cliche’d Images of Depression

9-23-11

The image is passe, but striking nonetheless.
I am standing on the edge of a cliff. The ground beneath me is crumbling out from under my feet. I try to scramble back away from the edge, but it seems to be disintegrating faster than I can move. This scene has been done in movies and books over and over again. I am sure that many of us have dreamt it a time or two in our lives. There are numerous interpretations, though they all seem to point to the same thing.
The world is changing, and pulling the rug out from under us. What we thought was solid ground isn’t and everything is about to Hell.
Okay, well, that’s my interpretation.
This is the way I have been feeling the past few months as I have waited for the ground to completely drop from under me. I think, maybe with that call from my neurologist the other day, that it has happened. I am processing the news, and I seem to be not doing a very good job of it. Today, I am standing at the edge of the cliff of sanity and the emptiness beyond is actually the pit of despair.
It sounds all melodramatic, doesn’t it?
Well, while it might be, that’s what it feels like. I keep crying randomly. This overwhelming feeling overtakes me and it hits me that there is a problem with my brain. Without my brain, there’s not much to me, folks. I’ve got nothing to offer the world.
At least, that’s the way I see it.
It can be argued that I don’t even have much in that department to offer the world too, you know, though that might be the pessimistic despair talking, I don’t know.

OWS Under Attack

Occupy Wall Street Under Attack

9-24-11

There have been many reports in the independent media of arrests during the protests at Wall Street and Union Square. The New York Police Department has been using more force against peaceful protesters. They have been beating unresisting men and women as well as macing them.
Various things have become illegal to use on the streets: umbrellas, tarps, cameras. You need a permit to film anything and everything now, or you can be and will be arrested or detained, which will amount to the same thing for the time being.
The corporate oligarchy that runs and owns the vast majority of the media and the city of New York has decreed that while it was nice that the small people have had their protest, they see the markets fluxuating into a downturn. They are blaming these protests, and this one in particular which started last week, and have decided that it is time for it to end. So, with a major media blackout, they have authorized the use of excessive force on innocent, albeit angry, citizens who are only exercising their protected right to gather in public assembly.
They might succeed in breaking up this particular protest, but I hate to break it to them... no, that’s a lie; I *love* to break it to them: Another one will rise up in its place. Another one will come after that one. What I am afraid of is that the peaceful protest ideal will not hold. I hope it will, though. I don’t want to see the 99% sink to the level and tactics of the 1%.

Spreading the Word Part II

Spreading the Word Part II

9-24-11

It certainly helps to get onto all of your social media and click a little like button or a share button. Those little buttons are so handy now a days. It only takes a second or two to pass on information to all of your friends and family. Whether they read it or not is up to them, just like whether or not you have read something is left up to you. However, by clicking that button, you have made it available to them, and have done your part.
Perhaps you feel as if you need to do more. I know that I do. One of the things that I am doing to help spread the word and push the message through is to call the major media outlets and ask them when they are planning on covering the protests. Occupywallstreet.org on facebook has put together a good list of contacts to start with.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/occupy-wallstreet/media-phone-numbers-and-email/126756684091668

So, if you feel the need to do something pro-active and can’t make it out to one of the protests near you, or aren’t in the area of one of the protests, then make a phone call. Write an email. Also, don’t forget to hit twitter and drop the @(insert media person/show here) a line. Demand coverage of these protests.
The American public has a right to know what is happening. They have a right to hear the views of the protesters. They have a right to make up their own mind, even if they want to filter it through FOX news.

Sexy Hot Wax

Sexy Hot Wax
Warm soft skin under my palm
A sensual delight to stroke and pet
Highlighted golden by candle light
Gooseflesh rises as I reach over
To take the candle in hand

Drip
Drip
Drip
Gasp

Watching the liquid wax pool
On your skin, quickly hardening
Rolling with your every movement
Every breath you take
Till it stiffens into a shell
I dribble some more and
You jump at the sudden heat
A brief burn and soft chuckle
Wait for reactions, then repeat

Hot wax raises passion
Feverish blushing goes to your head
Frenzied lovemaking gets wax everywhere
No one cares
Until it’s time to do laundry

5/18/11
Form: free

You know, I admit that life kind of sucks for me right now. I am having real trouble looking on the bright side of anything. It has been hard for me to connect with anyone, including my significant others because I have been slipping into my own mire of depression mixed with mania.

So, what I am going to do about this is continue to write. I will write out all this depressing crap. I will share it. I will also write out my political views, even if I am not making sense because of pain or lack of sleep. I will write and write and write. Every day, though, I will search through my works and find a piece to post that is light and happy, or at least full of sex and fun, if only to remind me that life is not all just this non consentual pain and suffering.

Some of these, I may have posted before. Some of them might even be new. I am going to cling to anything and everything to get me through this. :D

Wrestling with Old, Short-Lived Piety

Wrestling with Old Short Lived Piety

9-23-11

((Written from downstate to upstate)) 

I am in a car with three other people, none of whom are my significant others, and have been for several hours. For the next two and a half days I will be away from home and I am already feeling the isolation, which is probably not the best thing on the planet for me to be feeling right at this moment.
This is not to say that what I am feeling is in any way their fault at all. It isn’t. As I said before, they aren’t my sweeties. None of my sweeties could come with on this trip, for various reasons.
Alone in a hotel room.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with my nightmares.
I can almost hear the pious child that I was (for a minute, admittedly) telling me that Jesus would be with me if I opened my heart to Him. Thank you, but no thanks. If that means that I live in Hell, then so be it. I live in reality and this reality is a temporary phase transition, overall.
So, I guess, in this instance, I choose to be alone in a hotel room with my thoughts and my nightmares. At least some of them might give me decent fodder for poetry, blogs, and stories. In the meantime, I get to try not to give into stupid urges.

A Depressive Wallow

A Bit of a Depressive Wallow

9-23-11

I know that no one gets out of this life alive. Unfortunately, I learned that lesson at an early age, and I kind of dwelt on it for many years. Overall, I do my best not to start pacing that rather well worn path in my psyche, but with recent events in my personal life it’s hard not to think about.
There’s a fairly good change (at least my neurologist tells me) that these (probable) MS lesions are just that. They may go down and away with a treatment of heavy steroids and while that might not be the end of it, then we can go from there with treatment. Of course... that depends on the results of the spinal tap / lumbar puncture.
For those of you who have never had a lumbar puncture before, I will tell you that it is one of the worst things that I have ever experienced. I have talked to other people who have had it and they have said the same thing. For me, it’s a toss up between a gall stone attack and the lumbar puncture. After this second one, I might be able to give you an even more informed answer on that.
My neurologist thinks that there is a low chance that it is a tumor, but she also might be saying that to keep me calm and keep me from freaking out. It’s what I would do to me. At least she told me, though, instead of just keeping it from me. I think, when I made my general displeasure at how the doctors in the emergency room handled their  “diagnoses” of me, she has been doing her best to keep me informed about the possibilities. Then again, I’d like to think she does that with all her patients.
I could be wrong, though.
I am scared. I would be totally lying if I said that I wasn’t. I know that in a few days I will have to go through one of the most painful procedures it has been my displeasure to partake in. While yes, I tend towards a certain amount of masochism, that crosses the line for me, y’know? I could have said screw it to this work trip and gotten it done today, but I didn’t. To an extent, I needed this time to process what was going on before I got jabbed in the spine with a needle again, because for at least three days after, I will be drugged out of my mind.
Enough wallowing for now.
Time for the Book of Mormon Musical Soundtrack!

Shafting the Patient

Shafting the Patient

9-23-11

The drug companies claim to want to help the people, and I am sure that there are people who work for said companies who want to do so, yet they make some of their most helpful drugs prohibitively expensive.
The health insurance companies claim to want to help the people who pay their (costly) premiums, and yet, they refuse to cover fully needed tests that doctors order and don’t want to cover fully the drugs that the patients need.
One pill of a *generic* migraine medication, costs nineteen dollars at the pharmacy down the street without insurance. The insurance company will only cover nine pills per month of this particular medication.
Both the drug companies and the insurance companies are making money hand over fist and the patient gets shafted.

This shit fucking sucks.

Pounding Pain from a Pounding Migraine

Pounding Pain

Pounding 

Can almost compose

To the beat dropping

Inside of my skull

If the pain wasn’t so great

I would be composing

More music than words

Pounding

It puts me off kilter

I can think of nothing else

This rhythmic tattoo beating

Its way into my psyche

Etching its way into memory

Bathing me in pain

Pounding

It’s almost transformative

Time passes and the

Longer this goes on 

The more I wonder how much 

Me will be left when 

It goes away

9-23-11
form: free (sorta)

Pain Fear Gone

Pain Fear Gone

Fear

Grips me

Strips away

My humanity

Animal

Is left

Pain

Tearing

Through every

Fiber of my

Everything

Leaving

Space

Nothing

Left to see

Feelings are gone

I’ve been stripped

Away by

Pain, fear

Gone

9-23-11
form: I am unsure


I am in this pain that occasionally sees fit to leave me, but most of the time likes to stay close. It's pounding in my head right now, eroding what passes for my sanity, chip by chip. The things that have managed to make it go away for a day, or at least step it down considerably, are severely limited by the health insurance company, and that particular drug isn't even a narcotic. No, narcotics, I can get quite easily, which is kind of sad. I don't want narcotics, though. I don't particularly like how they make me feel, and they don't make the pain stop. They make me not care about the pain, or anything else.

I woke up this morning on the bitter side of the bed. I feel both raw and numb, unsure of if I will cry, rage, or just kind of exist. So far, I have been managing to exist, though the rage is boiling beneath the surface. Things are not okay right now. I hope that they will be again, sometime soon, though.

Nightmares are Waiting

Nightmares are Waiting

9-23-11

There are times when you can feel the nightmares waiting for you, and you’ll do anything to keep from having to experience them. Tonight is one of those nights for me. I can feel the nightmares lurking right under the surface. What’s bothering me is that right now, I am actually living one of my nightmares.
No one, even when they are waiting anxiously for test results, really wants to hear from their doctor early, let alone the day after the test was done.
I know that I think too much and I have a tendency to dwell. My father noted that I have a pessimistic streak, and he’s right. My brain cycles through all these scenarios, and yes, MS was one of them. I was aware of the possibility. I am also aware that it might not be a lesion do to MS. It might be lesion due to a tumor, though my neurologist doesn’t actually think so.
But I feel the dreams lurking under the surface of my conscious thought. I am keeping most of the scary thoughts at bay, trying not to dwell on anything too much right now. At least, not when I am alone at home. I have sweeties just a phone call away, and I have friends around the corner, but I am alone in my head.
I can’t get away from me.
I can never get away from me.
Sometimes, that’s the problem.
So, I push myself to stay awake, despite the migraine that I can still feel even though I have taken the percoset. I am dead tired and near tears from the pain, but I don’t want to dream. My own paranoia lurks. My own demons wait to devour me.
Maybe, if I push myself hard enough and exhaust myself, then I can sleep without dreams.
Or I will just have nightmares and deal with it.
In the meantime, I will have gotten some stuff done that needed to be done, even if I have done it slowly and will probably need to re-do it because I did it on percoset.

MRI Results

MRI Results

9-22-11

Last night, I went in to get an MRI. I was scared of what would come back on it, and it seems as if I had every right to be.
When your doctor calls you back the day after a test and says she got the test results a half an hour before and thought that you should know something, you know that the results are never good. Well, they weren’t. I have what appears to be two MS lesions on my brain between the two hemispheres of my brain where they communicate with each other. It would explain some of the memory loss and cognitive difficulties that I have been having, to be sure.
So, I get the dubious joy of now getting my back stuck with a motherfucking needle again so that they can measure the proteins in my spinal fluid as well as a blood draw to see what is going on with the proteins in my blood. This is supposed to do something to tell them about the possible MS or whatever. I am unsure, which is why I am in the car on the way to my neurologists office to get my blood test orders and some more information.
For whatever reason, I have been unable to process information over the phone. I need some sort of visual input for it to stick properly in my memory. This has been kind of bad since I have been having some issues with my vision.
I am not okay. I am not sure if I will be okay. I will take one day at a time and work to get through this. For the moment, though, the good news is I am allowed to take percoset with the topamax.

Spreading the Word

Spreading the Word

9-22-11

For those of us who are fortunate enough to be working all the time and can’t get to the protests that are being held all around the country, we can play a part in supporting those who can make it out there. We live in the age of communications, where nearly all of us have a social media outlet feed of some sort (or more than one) with which we communicate with our friends and family. We can help support those that are protesting in person by spreading the word about the protests on those social media outlets.
It takes a small amount of time to share a link with your family and friends. There is no guarantee that they will read it, of course, but they might. Then, they may pass it on to share with people who they are friends with. The news will spread and more and more people will know about these protests.
Why?
The major media outlets (the ones on the television and even the ones that control the shows like the Daily Show and Colbert Report which is where I like to get some of my news from) are owned and controlled by the very corporations that are being protested against. They don’t like that very much and have essentially ordered that the protest be largely ignored. What you will see on the air about is is minimal and usually belittling.
Don’t let this media blackout win. Censorship is wrong and I refuse to let these media moguls tell me what I am allowed to know about.
A good way to get some up to date news is to look up the hashtags: #occupywallstreet #OWS #Takewallstreet
Spread the word. With your help, we can get the word out so that people can make up their own minds. With an informed public, we can come together and decide what exactly needs to be changed and how, instead of having it force fed to us by bought and paid for politicians.
The media wants us complacent with bread and circuses. I urge us all to wake up and think for ourselves. To do less is to do a disservice to ourselves and our country.

Ignoring the UNCOOL Natural Disasters

Ignoring Uncool Natural Disasters

9-22-11

I know that I am not the only one who has noticed that the American people have a fetish for helping out those who have endured a natural disaster. Our celebrities love to throw concerts and our media usually treat it as disaster porn.
How many of us are aware of massive flooding in the Indus River Valley in Pakistan?
No one?
Really?
I wasn’t either until I ran across this article on Twitter (thank you social media!).

http://planetsave.com/2010/09/17/us-media-ignore-pakistans-worst-disaster-in-modern-history/

I, personally, find the blatant censorship appalling. More than that, the alternate topic is entirely squick-worthy.
I want to know where the media coverage is. I want to know where all the celibutantes are with their money and their fame. Sure, we may not always get along with these people, but they are people and they are in need. I don’t think we should spend all our money on them, but we were doing so for *EVERYONE ELSE,* so why not these people? What’s different here?
Why, do you think that they decided to ignore this disaster? Could it be because it is an indicator of climate change/global warming? I welcome your comments and thoughts.

Power to the Consumer

Power to the Consumer

9-22-11

An argument that I keep getting into with some of my more corporate friendly friends and family is that if you raise taxes on the corporations, what’s to stop them from passing those increased tax rates onto the consumers? Well, we the consumers have a choice in whether or not to buy from companies who raise their prices to cover their increased taxes on their (quite obscene in this economic downturn, let’s be honest) profits.
I don’t truly begrudge them their money, but to call them job producers and say that they are helping the economy while they are sending all their jobs and money overseas is asinine. They hide as corporations from having to pay any taxes via shell corporations, so that they, as corporations, can have more money to do whatever they like with the planet and their resources (read people, because, after all, we aren’t individuals, we are *resources*). They hide as individuals with offshore banking accounts and creative accounting to avoid having to pay any taxes as well.
Sure, the small people do some similar things but for very different reasons. It’s because as our tax burden increases, we simply lack the money to pay. It isn’t even because we, as a class, don’t want to pay our government, though I am sure many of us would rather we didn’t have to. It’s largely because, well, a lot of us pour all our money into our bills, or simply do not have jobs. Jobs. You know, that thing that the small person has to go to in order to make money? See, most of us don’t have a lot of stocks and bonds. We don’t own a lot of property. The old rich guys will point out that we own a television, a computer, or a cell phone. I would like to point out that at least one of those things is mandatory (cell phone) for existence today (sorry to burst your bubble, but land lines are well on their way to becoming nice and obsolete). A computer comes in a close second as mandatory, since most jobs now won’t look at you unless you submit your resume online. There are other options, too, and a lot of people do use them.
The jobless, by and large, are not lazy. The people protesting on Wall Street right now are not lazy hippies (okay, well, some of them might be, but hey, it’s a protest!). They want to work. They have looked hard for work. There is no work there for them. If there is work, they aren’t hired because they are, “over qualified.” Yes. People get rejected from jobs all the time because they are over-qualified for it. So, a lot of people tailor their resumes to edit out their schooling or their previous job experience to hide the fact that they actually have skills, just so that they might have income. Maybe then, McDonald’s will take a second look at them.
Many of those who are of the 99% are struggling because there are no jobs that they can fill for what they trained to become. Their markets dried up as they went to school for it. The forecasts when they went into school were good for their fields. These people weren’t stupid or lazy.
So, these jobless people come and protest the greed they see on Wall Street, bred by these corporations that claim to be people. They come to protest against the fact that these corporations can buy the vote of the people who are supposed to be serving their constituents. They come to protest the banks taking public money and refusing to change their practices while more and more people lose their homes. They come to protest the pseudo people sending more and more jobs away from this country to cut costs, boost profits, and refuse to pay any taxes on any of it.
I go back to my original question...
What’s to stop these corporations from passing the costs of tax increases onto the consumer?
The consumer.

Hair Mania

Hair Mania

9-21-11

With all these lovely migraines that I have been having lately, I am thinking that maybe I should cut my hair. The weight of the mass of dead cells is actively painful on my head and while I love my hair and the way that I look with it, I don’t particularly want to deal with the extra pain that it is giving me at this time when I brush it or let it hang. Maybe I will even dye it or something.
While yes, I am depressed lately, and I have been feeling the *slight* need for some possible self-mutilation, hacking off my hair will have the added benefit of lifting the weight of it from my shoulders and scalp. I also haven’t dyed my hair since I was seventeen. Perhaps it’s time for something like that too. Change is good, right?
I admit to the possibility that this very well might be the mania talking. I desperately feel like I need to be doing something to change how I am feeling. Most of my ideas are fundamentally self-destructive and include things that I probably shouldn’t put into my blog here. Suffice to say that I have to quash the urge, every day, to grab a free pack of smokes from one of the random casinos that like me and light up, among many other ideas.
Yeah, cutting and dying my hair seems to be among the least bad of the things going through my head.

Scared on the way to the MRI

Scared on the Way to the MRI

9-21-11

So, I am kind of scared out of my mind. I am on my way to the MRI appointment that finally got scheduled for me. Why am I scared, though? Answers are finally going to be coming, right? That’s the idea, anyway.
What if the answers aren’t there, though? What if they just revert back to the good old standby of you’re fat and crazy, bitch? I am unsure of how I would take that.
The last four days have found me taken down by a migraine that is comparable to the one I went to the ER for (you recall the one that got misdiagnosed as meningitis, right?) back in July. That one lasted for something on the order of 15 days. I really can’t afford to be down for that long. Sure, I am on some migraine medication, but I just found out that my insurance won’t give me more than nine pills of Imitrex a month.
If I had known that, I would have, I don’t know, maybe not taken them as directed. The directions I was given by my neurologist, by the way, were to take one pill at the start of a migraine and lay down. I have been doing that, only to find out after going through eight of my nine alotted pills that my health insurance will only cover nine pills a month. I cannot get more Imitrex until October eighth.
Fuck you very much.
So, I am scared. What will show up? What will not show up?Will the doctors actually get any answers? Can they figure out why I am suffering from these migraines?
Also: What if it is something big? A friend recently had a tumor. That prospect honestly scares the ever living fuck out of me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle it.
I guess I can only tell myself what I told her: I can’t guarantee that I will be okay. I can’t guarantee that they will figure everything out. I can only take one day at a time and enjoy the love that my sweeties have for me and that I have for them. I can remember that things can, in fact, be worse, and that while life may not be excellent, it can certainly suck much worse.

Broken Justice

Broken Justice

The American justice system is broken. Once, we were considered innocent until proven guilty. Now, we are guilty until we have enough money to prove we are otherwise. If we don’t have the money, then we will not be able to hire the lawyers to get us off of whatever charges were laid down at our feet.
This is not to say that there are not actual criminals that are incarcerated within our system. There most certainly are. However, there are new technologies that are showing the flaws in the system. There are innocent people put away for violent crimes that they never committed.
For example, there is Troy Davis. This man has been locked up for over twenty years for the murder of an off duty police officer. He was put there on the word of witness testimony, seven of the nine which testified against him recanted. The Georgia “justice” system won’t listen and seeks to proceed with the execution.
That’s right. I said execution.
This man is going to be executed on little to no evidence of a crime because, “someone has to pay for the death of an officer.” It might as well be the black man we have locked away, right?
Wrong.
When a man’s life becomes a sacrifice to expedience and politics, then our justice is stained with his blood. This shame stains not just Georgia, but the entire country. The fact that his appeals have been denied and his story has only now gone viral in the alternative media (which I am coming to the conclusion is the only real source of actual news out there that is not force fed to us by the corporate oligarchy) is also a shame upon us all. Why have we not fought to get this man freed before now.
There are many innocent men and women in the prison system now. Once you are in the clutches of this for-profit institution, they never want to let you go. They get paid per prisoner, after all, so it is in their interest to keep the prisons full. Oh, and by the way, they get paid per prisoner more than what most hard working Americans make (anywhere from $13000-$45000) in one year. So, why would they care if someone who is innocent is stuck in one of their facilities?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States

People, all of us, are numbers. We are all guilty of something in the eyes of the authorities. Something, somewhere has changed with the way we treat our citizens. With the Patriot Act, among other things, we can be detained without cause, without representation, and without bail indefinitely.
Now, we can be executed without proof, because “someone” has to pay.
What happens if we were in the wrong place at the wrong time? Or, if we have one of “those” faces? You know the ones that I am talking about; the ones where you are mistaken for someone else constantly. Well, if someone who looks like you committed a crime, then you might get tagged for it, because someone saw you there. Sometimes the better types of technology are ignored when it comes to trying to establish the truth of what is going on. This is not unusual.
The American “Justice” system is broken. There is no justice for anyone, and the only people who are happy are the people getting paid. Those who feel “safe” are living a lie. They can be targeted by the flawed system at any time, whether they did anything or not. Hell, they could have just been wielding sidewalk chalk or showing their breasts at a protest.
The execution of Troy Davis has been delayed, but not stayed. He is still incarcerated for a crime that few believe that he has even committed. The thirst for blood is strong and the flawed system has him in its clutches. Whether or not he will ever see the light of day again in this life is in question. Will his blood be on all of our hands, or will we be able to help him win his freedom, long denied?

9-21-11


EDIT: They executed Troy Davis. This is a sad day, and our justice system just got a little bit more broken. Perhaps it is beyond repair. I know I have less faith in the system than I did before. How about you?

Enforcing Laws When It's Convenient

Enforcing Laws When It Is Convenient

                As many of you know, I have been following and actively supporting via my various social networking feeds the #OccupyWallStreet / #TakeWallStreet movement in New York City. It turns out that you can’t wear masks in New York City. Yes, you heard me.

                You can’t wear masks in New York City.

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/09/old_anti-mask_law_foiling_wall.html

                Now, do they enforce this year round, do you think? Do they enforce this on Halloween? I wonder if they arrest children. No, they enforce this law only when it is convenient, which is unfortunate. They use it to suppress the voice of the people when it is raised up in protest. I understand the police’s position on masks as being used by those “up to no good,” however, when they are not communicating effectively what they want to the people in question and not reading them their rights, the police in question are behaving in a terrorizing manner. They are encouraged to be thugs for the establishment instead of peace-keepers.

                The protesters in New York are exercising their right to free assembly. They are exercising their right to civil disobedience. They are behaving peacefully in a demonstration against corporate greed, doing their best to bring attention to the problems plaguing the financial and political systems in this country.

                I am not super fucking rich (though, like many, I’d like to be.). I am one of the 99%. I don’t have things bad right now, but I am not too far away from it. So many people are closer than I am. There are others that are further away, but the bad times get closer to us all as this financial disparity continues.

As the jobs in this country dry up, those that are employed are willing to take more and more abuse to keep what shitty jobs that are available. No one wants to be unemployed. Those that are unemployed cannot find jobs anywhere, no matter the degrees that they have. These people are not lazy people. They bust their asses trying to find work that just isn’t there.

These are the people that are protesting in the street in New York because, yes, they are able to. Those that have work cannot endanger their jobs to do it. These are the people getting arrested for wearing Anonymous masks due to an obscure law that they weren’t aware of.

The police were told to make examples and they did. They also made examples of a young woman with sidewalk chalk. Was what she was doing graffiti? Technically, yes it was. However, it was sidewalk chalk.

The police were told to make examples and they did. Their corporate masters barked orders at the bosses of the men and women on the street. The boss yelled orders down at the grunts and the grunts were turned into thugs. Please, NYPD, don’t become the thugs of the establishment. Remember that you’re peacekeepers and be there to protect both the protesters and the bankers. You are there to keep a fine line between them, not enforce the whims of the bastards with the money. When you do that, you’re no better than Gestapo.

9-21-11

Down with the Corporate Oligarchy

Down With the Corporate Oligarchy

**Warning: There is some potentially thought provoking material here. It might even offend you. Enjoy the experience**

                There has been a revolution brewing and I hope to whatever Gods give a fuck that it doesn’t fizzle out and die. This revolution has been brewing for the last few years and I fully support it in the ways that I can. My health hasn’t been the best and I am financially unable to make it to any of the areas that the protests are being held, but I can blog, and I can re-post and spread the word. This revolution and movement is the Occupy Wall Street and Day of Rage movement.

                Here are some links for you to check out:

https://occupywallst.org/

http://money.cnn.com/2011/09/16/technology/occupy_wall_street/index.htm

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=144937025580428

http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2011/09/18/321844/why-people-protest-wall-street/

                I have looked through the mainstream news media to try to find coverage of this event. There isn’t much at all online when I look through the search engines and nothing that I have seen when I skim the news channels, not that I have been watching much the last few days with this lovely migraine that has had me in its clutches (I’m not dead yet, really!).

                Now, what, exactly are they protesting? I hope you looked through the we are the 99 percent site. I know many people who fit those descriptions. I am not in as dire straits as some, in fact, at the moment, through the grace of the Universe, I am actually financially stable. I have friends who are not as fortunate, and if truth be told, my financial stability is exceedingly fragile. If either my husband or I lose our jobs, or if I become completely unable to work, instead of just half- fucked up like I am now through these migraines, we will start *another* downward spiral. We are nearing a time when the safety net called “Daddy” won’t be there (He is nearing retirement and will need to take care of his own shit, too, you know) to catch us if we fall. After all, we can’t depend on the social safety net. It’s being cut as we live and breathe.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/in-debt-talks-obama-offers-social-security-cuts/2011/07/06/gIQA2sFO1H_story.html

                Why?

                Because people who think they will get rich someday don’t want to get taxed for it. They are fed the lies that they will get super stupid fucking rich one day and they want to be able to keep every dime they earn and make it grow while they sprinkle the blood of the babies of the poor workers that they used up to get that money to make even more fucking money. The government was supposed to serve and protect the people. Instead, it has become a tool for the corporate oligarchy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligarchy#Corporate_Oligarchy_.28Corporatocracy.29

                Why are the people protesting?

                Why are they mad?

                Why aren’t they listening to the lines that the television is spoonfeeding them? (except for, maybe, you know, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, and Steven Colbert)

                Everyone, even those of us who aren’t currently spiraling down and about to be out on the street should be super fucking furious with our government and Wallstreet. Do you know why? At the start of the bursting of the housing bubble, when we bailed out the banks UNDER BUSH and then again UNDER OBAMA, we were using GOVERNMENT MONEY (read: tax funds, paid for largely by the middle class and small business, you know, people who actually pay their fucking taxes). This was done without the banks having to ever have to pay them back or be under further legislation.

                Wait.

                What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?

                Why did we get into this financial crisis to begin with? Sure. People were buying houses that they couldn’t afford. Why were they doing that? Because they were getting approved for loans that they shouldn’t have. Why? BECAUSE THE PROCESS WASN’T BEING REGULATED PROPERLY!

                Oh, and if you’re thinking about voting Republitard (Sorry to all my Republican leaning friends, but the field of politicians of that stripe all look like that to me right now…), check this shit out:

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2011/09/17/321419/bachmann-wall-street-killing-bank/

http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2011/06/10/241830/top-10-thing-texas-gov-rick-perry/

http://front.moveon.org/the-most-powerful-response-to-the-let-him-die-party/

Hell, just watch any of the debates. What I have seen makes me sick. I can only be glad that we are lucky that one of us has a job that has insurance coverage. If not, I don’t want to think about the medical bills we would be having right now. And if the Republitards get *back* into office, they will continue to strip away all of our social programs and leave us with nothing. We will continue this backslide into becoming a third world country.

                Then, all the jobs will come back, because we will be more than happy to work for pennies a day.

                If you think the Democrat pussies are any better, I am sorry to say that I think you are wrong. I thought we elected someone who would help change what was happening. All I see is someone is who Right of Reagan, and news flash, buddy: Trickle Down Theory doesn’t fucking work.

                All of these politicians are paid by the corporations on Wallstreet (and other Streets). They do their corporate master’s bidding. They all suck on the dick of the corporate devils. Sure, corporations are people too, right? Wrong. They are businesses. Business are made up of people. People are born (or hopefully in the future decanted so, you know, it’s safer for the female *and* the fetus, but that’s another, separate rant), not drawn up by lawyers.

                Why are these people protesting? Why should we all be protesting and supporting these people?

                Because these corporations are taking our money and not giving it back (paying taxes like any other “person” or business), despite booming profits. They are taking our money and sending all the jobs that they were supposed to give us, overseas.  They are taking our money, our future, and our hope and paying off our politicians to convince us we are really happy. They are taking our money and then giving us the circuses and are lobbying to take away the bread, too.

                Everyone should spread the word.

                Don’t let this protest die.

                We elected for change, it didn’t come. Let’s force the Change to happen ourselves, the way we should have done in the first place.

Migraine WTF

Migraine WTF

9-19-11

                Yesterday, I went to a baby shower and had a good time. I got to spend time with my friends who I hadn’t seen in forever and had missed greatly. The food was great and so was the company. There’s even the possibility that I made some new friends.

                Children were everywhere, as they tend to be at events like this. They were all well-behaved and super cute, which, of course, helped fuel my baby mania (I WANT BABIES! I WANT BABIES NOW! NOW! NOW!).

Of course, I can’t have babies NOWNOWNOW because of the health issues I am having. I want to get a handle on this crap before I try to put my body through the strain of baby-making. Why is it that we haven’t figured out how to make decanters yet? It would be way safer for EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE PROCESS OF BIRTHING if we HAD THEM!

Anyway, when it came time for me to leave, it was an hour and a half after I should have already left. I had developed a migraine. It was a 3 on the hyperbole and a half scale (I totally love this blog btw: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/boyfriend-doesnt-have-ebola-probably.html  ). I knew it was because I was slightly overheated and needed to cool down (it was hotter in there than I was used to and the meds make it so I have trouble with sweating). I step out into the sunlight and my migraine immediately begins to escalate. On the fifteen minute drive between my friend’s house and my house, I go from a 3 to a 7 on that scale. That’s right, I saw that Jesus was coming for me and I was kind of scared.

WTF.