Pre-New Doctor Jitters

                    I am afraid.

                    I am afraid that this doctor will think I am a fat, crazy bitch who is lying about my pain. I am afraid that he will be dismissive towards me and brush off everything that I say is happening to me. I am afraid that he will not see the swelling for what it is. I am afraid that all he will see is the fat and not the person that is suffering with all this shit going on. 

                    I am tired of doctors not being able to help me. I am tired of doctors not being willing to help me. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of feeling sick all the time. 

                    I hate not being able to do everything that I used to do. I hate not being the person that I used to be. I hate not being the person I want to be. I hate not being able to go out and do things. I hate not being able to stay in and do things. I hate being infirm. I hate being weak. I hate being brittle. I hate being glass, and I detest being treated like glass.

                    I miss all the things I used to do. I miss work. I miss having all the energy in the world to do everything that I wanted to do. I miss making jewelry. I miss having full use of my hands and being able to trust them. I miss being able to trust my brain. I miss being able to trust my senses. I miss my memory.

                    I don't expect miracles. I doubt that I will ever heal all the way. I can only move forward, but I want to move! I want this limbo to go away. I want to actually find out what is going on with me so we can do something about it. I hate not knowing. That alone is driving me insane. It eats away at me bit by bit every day. 

                    Hope hurts.

                    Expectations lift me up only to drop me from a greater height. 

                    I try not to expect much because then, when I am let down, the bitter tears won't last quite as long.