This is Spinal Tap

Hi Everybody!

(Hi …. Becca!)

That’s better. We don’t want to give me a PhD I haven’t earned yet, now do we?

(*random fuck* fuck you!)

Yeah. Right back at you. How are we all doing tonight?

(My fucking back hurts!)

Mine too! Do you know why mine is hurting?

(Do I give a flying fuck?)

Security!

(*Sounds of a scuffle*)

Thank you. It’s so nice to have a captive audience.

(Please let us go! Please!)

Security?

(*Sounds of someone getting pistol whipped and sobbing*)

That’s better. Thank you. Now, let’s try this again: Do you know why *MY* back is hurting?

(*unenthusiastic* No. We do not know why your back is hurting.)

Well, last week, I had a spinal tap done. The doctors call it a lumbar puncture, but the old term for it is a spinal tap.

(Like the spoof band they made a movie about?)

Enough out of you Random fuck! Security!

(*More pistol whipping and sobbing*)

Thank you. Anything else from the peanut gallery?

(*The sound of a cricket*)

So, as I was saying. I had a spinal tap done. Let me tell you, that shit fucking hurts. First, they have you either lean over a table from a sitting position (if you are a fat bitch like me) or lie in a fetal position on an uncomfortable bed (if you’re skinny or something), and they insert a numbing agent into your spinal area. That numbing agent burns like a motherfucker!

(*hiss of sympathy and the muffled sobs of the pistol whipped random fuck*)

Then, they stick this gigantic needle in your back and make you sit perfectly still, or as close to it as possible while they collect vials of liquid that was never meant to see the light of day. Truthfully, though, that part doesn’t hurt at all. It just feels funny, especially when they remove it.

(…)

This is when you’re supposed to hiss with sympathy or chuckle or something sympathetic.

(… *Frightened whimper*)

Okay, I know this sounds really scary, and it totally was, so I don’t blame you for the hushed silence. Anyway, they had me lay down for a while. I felt it as the numbing agent wore off, and, at the time, it was more like an ache. My sweeties helped me pass the time, and then it came time for discharge. They had me try to get up and walk around a little bit. I nearly collapsed screaming in agony.

(*wail of agony from the pistol whipped random fuck*)

Not quite like that, but it was close. Thank you for, once again, participating. That was when the nurse asked, “Hasn’t the percoset kicked in?” Those motherfuckers hadn’t given me any pain meds yet. She looked kinda blank when I mentioned that little fact, then hurried out of the room while one of my sweeties helped me back to bed while I cursed up a blue streak. She came back moments later with a big cup of water and a pain pill, which took forever to work and cut through that agony that I was in after I tried to stand up. I think I was laying there another hour before it was time for another go around, though it was probably less than that. At that point, I was not exactly tracking very well.

(Doctor, please, a doctor!)

I know just how you felt. Though, at that point, all I wanted was to just go home! Well, going home was agonizing. I took another percoset and passed out in my own bed, which was wonderous. Waking up sucked a lot. The pain in my head and my back were excruciating. I lost most of the next days to pain killers.

(Do you have any of them left?)

Random Fuck, you really should keep your mouth shut. Do you want me to call security again?

(Please God no!)

I thought not. As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by the tortured random rude fuck in the audience, I lost a few days to pain killers, then as the viral meningitis started to recede in severity, the pain from the spinal tap came to the fore.

(*groan*)

It has been a week since I got the test done, and I am almost recovered, pain wise, from the meningitis. I am *still* recovering from the spinal tap. That’s it.

(Can I get some medical attention?)

Sure.