Do I Live the Nightmare or the Dream?

Do I Live the Nightmare or the Dream?

Nightmare ridden sleep of being

Always alone facing life,

No one wanting me…

Even as it happens

During the experience I know

That it isn’t true.

Do I live in the nightmare?

If so, I would hope to

Never wake from this dream I live.

5/30/11

Form: free

I wrote this poem before I had this last flare up of my MS, or I should say, the first one that got me this diagnosis. The question I suppose is whether I am living the nightmare or the dream. The truth is, though, that I don't think that I would want to be alone and perfectly healthy, if it meant that I would be alone always. Alone, I am not the nicest person. It helps me to have touchstones to remember why I need to try to be a good person. Perhaps that is a little co-dependent, but I am aware of it. I am still responsible for me and how I act, it is not on my partners and my friends. I don't pretend to put them on some sort of pedestal or anything, but them being around me makes me want to be someone better than I would be without them. 

Maybe that's silly. 

It didn't take this disease for me to realize it, though. I knew it before, but looking at this poem that I wrote I ask myself that question: If a cure meant being alone for the rest of my life, would I take it? I say no. Right now, I say no. 

Then again, ask me if the Universe decides to take away more of my ability to function. I might have turned bitter enough to change my tune. I hope not though. That would mean the disease had won and there would be less of the person that I like left. I don't want this disease to win that way. 

MS will become something that is just a thing, not something that rules me. At least, that's what I am working towards. It's only been a month, after all. It's all a work in progress.