Beast in a Happy Mask

Beast in a Happy Mask

9-25-11

Under this happy mask that I am wearing

Is a blood thirsty monster that wants

Nothing more than to see your blood

Spattered all over the walls

It’s such a pretty picture

That it makes me smile

Which makes you smile

And you think that I am smiling

To be friendly and personable

It helps me blend in

While I wrestle that beast within

Back into submission

This poem is a good representation of how I am feeling on the steroids right now. It's very hard for me to control all of my emotions and process everything that I am feeling. The rage has been pretty hard to deal with and it's been hard as hell for me to see the bright side of things lately, even though, despite all the bullshit with the MS, I have quite a bit to be thankful for and happy for. 

I will work on that. 

Really. 

I have to.

A bright side: My sweeties haven't left me while I am in the midst of my steroid rage. 

A bright side: My new insurance kicks in and I will be able to hopefully afford the copaxone without wanting to bang my head against a wall.

A bright side: My father is helping us since I am pretty much unable to work much right now. It almost doesn't seem like much of a brightside, but it would be much worse if he wasn't able to do so. So, I am very thankful for that. 

If you're reading this Daddy: Thank you.

A bright side: though my girlfriend has been ill, she doesn't hate me because I haven't been able to visit her in the hospital as much as I wanted to because of the steroids. :( I will hopefully be well enough soon to be able to help her get to her future appointments, as I also get to schedule up all of mine this month and next month and next month ad nauseum...

A bright side: Though it seems as if I have lost parts of my brain, and I know that I have, since there are parts of it I flat out cannot access anymore, there are many more that seem to be working better than ever. It is frustrating to try to figure out what I am capable of doing, but I know that I will be able to some pretty awesome things if I can just trick my mind into learning it step by step. 

A bright side: I have an excellent support structure who is here for me, despite the fact that I seem to keep having bouts of being a bitter fucking hag. 

I really need to work on that.

Anyway, enough rambling for now. I hope you enjoyed the rage poem, plus some bright sides. :D 

See? I am capable of some bright thoughts!