Bright Sides of December 9th

Bright Sides of December 9, 2011

                I am a towel, which kind of makes me sad, because I was just saying to my dad, today, that I was quite happy that I hadn’t had to take any of my pain pills for the past few days.

                This is Towelieee. He is an ancillary character from South Park. He isn’t the best character… wait, no, no he is.  He totally is the best character ever. Right now, anyway. This might be the pain pills talking.

You’re a towel.

                Anyway, this shit fucking sucks. I hate not knowing what I can and cannot do. I used to know what my limitations were, and now, I have no motherfucking clue. It’s even more sucky than it sounds, seriously. It’s not like I did a lot today either. I could give y’all a blow by blow, but really, it’s not needed. I had lunch with my dad and a family dinner out, both of which were fun and low impact. However, my left shoulder hasten giving me trouble all day. Tylenol cut some of the pain, but maybe my endurance just gave up. After dinner, I just had to give in and take a Percocet.

                Which is how turned into a towel.

                No! You’re a towel!

                So, I am writing this with my tablet, by hand, while I am totally high. It’s not nearly as first as typing, but my left arm hurts too much. I think I slept on my arm wrong which has prompted this issue in the first place.

                It’s kind of odd, actual. It almost feels like it did when I was undergoing the latest exacerbation a couple of weeks ago. However, there is an almost qualitative difference between that pain and this pain.

                Hey! Look! A Bright Side! I am pretty sure that this is not another exacerbation. Which is, in fact, a good thing.

                Bright side: Both lunch with my father and the family dinner were quite pleasant, despite the pain I have been in.

                Bright side: My tablet was malfunctioning, but now I got it working again. Truth be told, I am not entirely sure what I did, but whatever it was, it was successful.

                Bright side: The pain killer has made everything much funnier.

                Maybe I am reaching for my bright sides today. It wouldn’t be the first time. This looking for positives in a shitty situation doesn’t come naturally to me at all. In fact, it feels vaguely wrong. Believe. It or not, though, I have no wish to descend into a horrific depression. So, all this trying to focus on positives, any positives at all, is just one tool in my arsenal to combat that descent.

                I have been feeling like everyone is always mad at me because I can’t do the things that I used to be able to do. All of my friends and family assure me that they are not mad at me. What’s funny is that tonight, I realized something: I’m mad at me.

                I am not completely sure how to deal with this. It’s obvious as I am noticing quite a few of my more self-destructive urges rising up to the fore-front. Apathy is threatening, but is moderately manageable with my jewelry crafting, drawing, and writing. Though I think I need to do more writing. There is a lot of vitriol eating away at me. I have to bleed it off every so often.

                I had mentioned earlier that I am writing this out by hand using my tablet. It is slow-going but strangely soothing. Also, my handwriting fucking sucks! Well, I can train this computer to my quirks of handwriting and possibly improve it. Besides, after the first exacerbation, my handwriting went from really bad to extremely horrible. So, it’s a sort of therapy, right?