Thoughts in Moments of Weakness...
11-30-11
I have been having lots of ideas rolling through my head. A lot of these ideas are dark and dismal, which isn’t all that surprising, considering the places I have been, emotionally speaking, recently; and physically for that matter with the way my health has been declining.
Some of the ideas that have been going through my head have been kind of disturbing, even for me. They are things that I haven’t thought about very seriously in quite some time. I mean, I haven’t ever been what you would call “suicidal,” or anything like that, but when I started having the uncontrollable twitching a couple of weeks ago, I felt something shake loose within me. I don’t know if I would have had what it took to live with that.
Maybe that marks me as weak. Maybe. Then again, it’s not something that I had ever really had to think about before. It’s not something that I had ever had to consider, really.
I can be thankful that the steroids, though I curse their name in the same breath, worked for me this time. What about the next time, though? And the next? and the next... and the next?
I look ahead and see this long dark road of my body just deteriorating and it looks really bleak.
Then, I have this urge to laugh manically and take a drink of something and just keep walking/hobbling/rolling/crawling on, if only just to shout out a big old, “FUCK YOU!” to whoever decided that this was the road that I was to walk down. Maybe I decided it long ago, and I am just saying I should go fuck myself.
It sounds like something I’d do.
But I am not alone on the path, thankfully. For those of you who are walking with me and helping me along, I thank you. I am glad you are there. You make this path a little less scary as I find my way along it. Maybe I will learn to be a better person through this series of trials.
Or I will just complete my descent into being a bitter hag.
I will at leat try to make sure it’s not completely boring for everyone involved. I’d hate to be dull.
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