A Depressive Wallow

A Bit of a Depressive Wallow

9-23-11

I know that no one gets out of this life alive. Unfortunately, I learned that lesson at an early age, and I kind of dwelt on it for many years. Overall, I do my best not to start pacing that rather well worn path in my psyche, but with recent events in my personal life it’s hard not to think about.
There’s a fairly good change (at least my neurologist tells me) that these (probable) MS lesions are just that. They may go down and away with a treatment of heavy steroids and while that might not be the end of it, then we can go from there with treatment. Of course... that depends on the results of the spinal tap / lumbar puncture.
For those of you who have never had a lumbar puncture before, I will tell you that it is one of the worst things that I have ever experienced. I have talked to other people who have had it and they have said the same thing. For me, it’s a toss up between a gall stone attack and the lumbar puncture. After this second one, I might be able to give you an even more informed answer on that.
My neurologist thinks that there is a low chance that it is a tumor, but she also might be saying that to keep me calm and keep me from freaking out. It’s what I would do to me. At least she told me, though, instead of just keeping it from me. I think, when I made my general displeasure at how the doctors in the emergency room handled their  “diagnoses” of me, she has been doing her best to keep me informed about the possibilities. Then again, I’d like to think she does that with all her patients.
I could be wrong, though.
I am scared. I would be totally lying if I said that I wasn’t. I know that in a few days I will have to go through one of the most painful procedures it has been my displeasure to partake in. While yes, I tend towards a certain amount of masochism, that crosses the line for me, y’know? I could have said screw it to this work trip and gotten it done today, but I didn’t. To an extent, I needed this time to process what was going on before I got jabbed in the spine with a needle again, because for at least three days after, I will be drugged out of my mind.
Enough wallowing for now.
Time for the Book of Mormon Musical Soundtrack!