Nightmares are Waiting

Nightmares are Waiting

9-23-11

There are times when you can feel the nightmares waiting for you, and you’ll do anything to keep from having to experience them. Tonight is one of those nights for me. I can feel the nightmares lurking right under the surface. What’s bothering me is that right now, I am actually living one of my nightmares.
No one, even when they are waiting anxiously for test results, really wants to hear from their doctor early, let alone the day after the test was done.
I know that I think too much and I have a tendency to dwell. My father noted that I have a pessimistic streak, and he’s right. My brain cycles through all these scenarios, and yes, MS was one of them. I was aware of the possibility. I am also aware that it might not be a lesion do to MS. It might be lesion due to a tumor, though my neurologist doesn’t actually think so.
But I feel the dreams lurking under the surface of my conscious thought. I am keeping most of the scary thoughts at bay, trying not to dwell on anything too much right now. At least, not when I am alone at home. I have sweeties just a phone call away, and I have friends around the corner, but I am alone in my head.
I can’t get away from me.
I can never get away from me.
Sometimes, that’s the problem.
So, I push myself to stay awake, despite the migraine that I can still feel even though I have taken the percoset. I am dead tired and near tears from the pain, but I don’t want to dream. My own paranoia lurks. My own demons wait to devour me.
Maybe, if I push myself hard enough and exhaust myself, then I can sleep without dreams.
Or I will just have nightmares and deal with it.
In the meantime, I will have gotten some stuff done that needed to be done, even if I have done it slowly and will probably need to re-do it because I did it on percoset.