Addiction is a Bitch

                Addiction is a bitch.

Anyone who has been addicted to anything can tell you the same. The craving for your drug of choice (whether it be adrenaline, liquor, nicotine, sex, “hard” drugs, companionship, attention…) can become the sole purpose of your existence; the drive that moves you, so that you can get your next fix.

The craving; the monkey on your back; that drive to get a taste… It burns and threatens to consume you. At first, the habit is just a thing you do every day, maybe at the same time. Then, it becomes something that you look forward to. After a while, this thing that you do becomes your only reason for getting up in the morning/afternoon/whenever the hell you wake up.

Time ceases to matter. Time becomes nothing but a countdown till you can have your next fix. The habit; the addiction will consume everything that you are, can be, and ever had been.

Addiction is a harsh mistress. She will chew you up and spit you out. She will leave you broken, bleeding, or possibly lifeless in many of her forms. She is seductive and beautiful beyond belief. She is poison born of your own flaws. She has a voracious appetite, and will eat you alive…

I used to smoke…

I used to drink…

I used to spend all my money on books…

I used to crave physical contact to the point that I would betray my own safety to get it, and feel wanted…

That last one was the worst. I still don’t know how I have pulled back from the brink each time. Not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone can change wrong thinking.

Or perhaps it is the acceptance of wrong thinking that helped. To face and acknowledge one’s flaws; to embrace the flaws as part of yourself… To learn to love what you hate and are trying to escape.

Love and hate are two sides of the same blade.

I hate myself.

I love myself.

I accept myself…

Can you do the same?